Be Who You Are
“Happiness isn’t getting what you want. It’s wanting what you’ve got.”
—Garth Brooks
(Other people have said it. Garth just happens to be the first one I heard say it.)
I think there are three driving forces in being a happy person:
- Striving toward something meaningful
- Appreciation for what you have
- Integrity toward what’s important to you
In my life, I’ve failed at all three of those—at times, all at once. I didn’t set out to be unhappy—in fact, I was acting on impulses that are individually reasonable, rational, and desirable. I wanted to make people happy, to have them like me.
Friends and Influence
One of the most influential books I’ve ever read was How to Win Friends and Influence People, self-published by Dale Carnegie way back in 1936. On of the concepts in there was, “cultivate a pleasing personality.” I’d had a pretty rough early childhood, and it had turned me into an awkward, distant, socially flailing boy who had trouble making any friends or even speaking to people. The idea of cultivating a “pleasing personality” was exciting as hell. (You mean people might actually like me?)
I spent the next several years devoting my considerable energy to doing just that.
I’m about to talk about the downside, but first, I have to talk about the benefits: I attribute a great deal of my personal success to that endeavor. It’s likely a huge part of why a difficult, sometimes violent little boy, grew into a successful, respected man. Over the decades, that pleasing, professional demeanor got me in doors and won hearts and minds. I also worked my ass off every place I worked, but making people feel good whenever they were around me shone the best light on my and my work at every step of the way.
New positions, promotions, customers, clients—hard work and that “pleasing personality” took me from flipping burgers in a fast food joint to managing international teams of engineers at major corporations.
Mr. Carnegie’s advice is solid. I recommend it strongly, especially as a beneficiary of it. There are other ingredients—some I’ve written about before, some that I’ll delve into later—but it is absolutely a critical piece of a winning strategy.
You Are the Missing Link
What was missing?
Me.
I hadn’t had much of a personality of my own before becoming a people pleaser—or more precisely, not one that knew how to interact with others—and I’d somehow left myself behind in my endeavor to become someone better.
There’s a limit to how high you can go as someone whom “everyone” likes. There are vanishingly few Betty Whites in the world, and for all my efforts, I was not one of them.
Broken Metaphor
“If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some eggs.”
I’ve seen that quote in a thousand books and movies, and it’s usually used to excuse something distasteful. When it’s not an enabling phrase for psychopaths, it’s a metaphor for how we turn something that’s merely potential—like eggs in the shell—into something useful—cooked food that nourishes you and others.
In the context of being “pleasing,” it means that I spent too much of my life carrying around whole eggs, even as I starved myself and people who came into my circle.
You have a lot more to offer the world than raw eggs.
A pleasing professional personality opens doors, while a principled stance moves hearts and people to greatness, great endeavors.
I have a lot of love for people, and confining myself to only the things that will offend or upset the sensibilities of absolutely no one, fails to serve people in the best way I am capable.
There’s no benefit to insulting people—or elevating them—for their in-born traits. People don’t get to choose their height, attractiveness, place of birth, or coloring, but they do choose their actions and principles. Call them out when they’re wrong. Stand for your own principles, and defend them when they’re challenged or impugned.
Walk Your Path
“The people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind.”
Find your tribe. The people who’ll do anything for you—and for whom you’d do anything.
You find them when your allow your own light to shine. Not only does that let them find you, but your light is also how you can most clearly see the world.
So, if you’ve been holding back who you really are? Just—stop. No one will thank you for that. Crack the egg. Show up as yourself.
The people who matter will love you for it.
